Many adults find it harder to make friends than they did at school or university. Work, family and moving house reduce the casual contact that once made friendships easy. The good news is that friendship follows some predictable patterns, and a few simple habits help.
This is general information. If loneliness is affecting your mental health, consider speaking to a doctor or a counsellor.
Key takeaways
- Friendships usually grow from repeated, relaxed contact over time.
- Join regular activities where you will see the same people.
- Take the first step: small invitations matter.
- Be patient. Closeness takes many hours together.
- Many other people want connection too and feel shy about reaching out.
Why it feels harder
Early in life, you meet many people daily without trying. Adults often have set routines, less free time and friends scattered by moves. Researchers who study friendship have suggested that it takes a good deal of time together to move from acquaintance to close friend, much more than a few meetings, so patience is part of the process.
Go where you will see the same people
Repeated contact is a powerful ingredient. Look for activities that happen weekly or monthly: a sports team, a running club, a language class, a book club, a volunteering group, a faith community or a hobby group. The shared activity gives you something to talk about and reduces the pressure of making conversation from scratch.
Start conversations
Open with simple, friendly comments or questions about the activity or setting. Ask open questions that invite more than a yes or no, and listen with real interest. Remembering names and details from last time shows that you care. It is normal to feel awkward. Most people respond kindly to a warm hello.
Follow up and make plans
Many potential friendships fade because nobody suggests meeting outside the activity. After a few friendly meetings, suggest something low-key, such as a coffee after class or a walk. Exchange contact details, send a message afterward and propose a specific time. If someone cannot make it, suggest another date, but accept if they seem uninterested.
Be a reliable, open friend
Friendship grows through reciprocity: showing up, replying, remembering birthdays and sharing a little about yourself. Gradually sharing more personal topics builds trust, but do it at a comfortable pace. Offer help when you can and accept help in return.
Use online tools wisely
Apps and online groups can help you find local events and people with shared interests. Use them to meet in person in public places, and take sensible safety precautions when meeting someone for the first time.
Keep the friends you have
Reconnect with old friends, even if it has been a while. A short message saying you were thinking of them is welcome to many people. Regular rituals, like a monthly video call or a shared walk, keep friendships alive across distance.
When it is not working
Not every connection clicks, and that is normal. Keep trying different groups and be kind to yourself. If shyness or anxiety is making social situations very hard, a counsellor can offer strategies.
How friendships form
Researchers who study friendship point to a few ingredients: proximity, similarity and mutual disclosure. People tend to become friends with those they see often, which is why neighbours, classmates and colleagues are common friends. Shared interests and values help, and friendships deepen as people gradually share more personal things and the other person responds with care. A 2018 study led by the communication researcher Jeffrey Hall estimated that it takes roughly 50 hours together to move from acquaintance to casual friend, around 90 hours to become a friend, and more than 200 hours to become a close friend. These are rough averages, but they show why friendship cannot be rushed.
Meeting people in new places
Moving to a new city, changing jobs or becoming a parent can shrink your social circle. In a new place, say yes to invitations, introduce yourself to neighbours and join a regular activity, such as a class, a volunteer group or a sports club. If you work remotely, look for coworking spaces, local meetups or interest groups. New parents often meet others at playgroups, antenatal classes and school gates. Be patient, because it may take months to build a circle, and keep making small efforts.
Online friendships
Friendships that start online can be real and meaningful, especially for people with niche interests or limited mobility, or who live in remote areas. Online contact works best when it includes real conversation, not just reacting to posts. If you want to meet someone in person, choose a public place, tell a friend where you are going, and take sensible precautions. Spending a lot of time scrolling can crowd out real-world connection, so balance your use.
Keeping friendships healthy
Friendships need maintenance. Reply to messages, remember important dates, and show up when someone needs support. Reciprocity matters: a healthy friendship involves give and take over time. Some friendships fade as people change or move, and that is normal. If a friend is often unkind, dismissive or draining, it is acceptable to set boundaries or let the friendship lapse. Talking honestly about a problem can sometimes strengthen a relationship.
Loneliness and wellbeing
Loneliness is a common experience and is not a personal failing. Surveys in several countries find that many adults feel lonely at least some of the time. Research links long-term loneliness with poorer physical and mental health, though the relationship is complex. Small steps, such as a weekly call or a regular walk with a neighbour, can help. If loneliness is persistent or distressing, speak to a doctor or a counsellor, and consider support services in your area.
Frequently asked questions
How long does it take to make a close friend?
Research suggests it often takes many hours of time together, usually over weeks or months.
What if I am an introvert?
Smaller, structured activities and one-to-one meetings often suit introverts well.
Is it okay to make the first move?
Yes. Most people appreciate it, and many are waiting for someone else to start.
How do I invite someone to hang out?
Keep it simple and low-pressure: suggest a specific activity, day and time, such as coffee after class on Thursday. Make it easy to say no without awkwardness, and if they cannot make it, offer another time once.
What if people do not reply?
Sometimes people are busy or shy. Try again after a little while, but do not take silence personally or push repeatedly. Keep widening your circle so you are not depending on one person.
Is it normal to have only a few friends?
Yes. Many people have a small number of close friends and a wider circle of acquaintances. Quality matters more than quantity, and what suits you depends on your personality and stage of life.
Sources and further reading
Written by
FactNest Editorial Team
FactNest is operated by Muonix. The FactNest Editorial Team publishes general-interest explainers with AI-assisted drafting and illustrations. Contact contact@muonix.co for questions or corrections; we respond within 2 business days.
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